The Wild Rover - Millar & Company Remembered

This page is a tribute to Millar & Co and a bar called The Wild Rover.

Mostly it's about some of my favourite jokes.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars

notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc....

After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs is getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farme that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around, and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls into bed.

The next morning, he can't even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

Mr Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When Mr Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 30 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

Mr Lee nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. It was nominated best email of 1997.

This is a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and roomservice at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS : "Rye. Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"

Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den - fry, boy, pooch?"

G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem - crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine"

RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"

G: "What?"

RS: "San tos. July San tos?"

G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo

one toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!..Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"

G: "No..just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter - just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

G : "You're welcome"

A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman...... They exchange brief hellos and he noticed her reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.

By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replied, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees..

The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father."

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles

to get it in the boat. The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"

Priest: "Watch your language, young man!"

Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!"

Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the Bishop..

Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."

Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the head mother..

Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"

Head Mother: "My lord, what language!"

Bishop: "No, Sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."

Head Mother: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."

Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it..

Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!"

Head Mother: "And I cooked the sonofabitch!"

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you mutha-fuckers are alright."

The following are actual excerpts taken from "employee performance reports" of (British) Royal Navy and Marine Officers. (From "Jackspeak: The Pusser's Rum Guide to Royal Navy Slanguage".

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity."

"I would not allow this officer to breed."

"This officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

"Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This Officer should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better.

And our personal favorite...

"This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding along when all of a sudden Tonto stops his horse, gets off and puts his ear against the ground and says,

"Buffalo come".

"That's amazing Tonto", says the Lone Ranger, "How can you tell?".

"Face Sticky!"

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Horn broken, watch for finger

All men are idiots... I married their king

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got

Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an asshole

I'm just driving this way to piss you off

Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs

I love cats... they taste just like chicken

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Keep honking, I'm reloading

Hang up and drive

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot

Snatch a kiss, or vice versa

I don't have to be dead to donate my organ

Lord save me from your followers

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen

Cats... the other white meat

The gene pool could use a little chlorine

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?

Forget about World Peace... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot

He/She who laughs last thinks slowest

Lottery: A tax on the stupid

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!"...til you can find a rock

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding

The Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I intend to live forever - so far, so good!

I love defenceless animals, especially in a good gravy

Support bacteria they're the only culture some people have

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they do

24 hours in a day 24 beers in a case…….coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire

Boycott Shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

How do you know when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask your name?

Cow with no legs - Ground Beef

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Black Holes are where God divided zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

50. Act naturally

49. Found missing

48. Resident alien

47. Advanced BASIC

46. Genuine imitation

45. Airline Food

44. Good grief

43. Same difference

42. Almost exactly

41. Government organization

40. Sanitary landfill

39. Alone together

38. Legally drunk

37. Silent scream

36. British fashion

35. Living dead

34. Small crowd

33. Business ethics

32. Soft rock

31. Butt Head

30. Military Intelligence

29. Software documentation

28. New York culture

27. New classic

26. Sweet sorrow

25. Childproof

24. "Now, then ..."

23. Synthetic natural gas

22. Christian Scientists

21. Passive aggression

20. Taped live

19. Clearly misunderstood

18. Peace force

17. Extinct Life

16. Temporary tax increase

15. Computer jock

14. Plastic glasses

13. Terribly pleased

12. Computer security

11. Political science

10. Tight slacks

9. Definite maybe

8. Pretty ugly

7. Twelve-ounce pound cake

6. Diet ice cream

5. Rap music

4. Working vacation

3. Exact estimate

2. Religious tolerance

And the Number one top OXY-Moron

1. Microsoft Works